Sunday, October 5, 2008

Kimbo gets his Slice

Full disclosure: This post has nothing to do with Afghanistan, advising, the long war, or any of the other heady topics that the site header promises.

As a proud member of America's dwindling non-metrosexual male community, TT Carnahan has a healthy interest in mixed martial arts (MMA) and was looking forward to last night's fight between Kimbo Slice and Ken Shamrock. I'll provide a touch of background here so that even the most disinterested Coldplay fan will be able to follow along.

MMA is dominated by one league, the Ultimate Fighting Championship, or UFC. There several other leagues, but none has been as successful as UFC and its president Dana White at recruiting/retaining top talent, building a loyal following, and delivering consistently high quality products. Think American football when the NFL was competing with the AFL. Many point to Dana White's controlling and no-holes barred managerial and business style for this success. One of UFC rival leagues is Elite XC which produced a fight last night that was aired on CBS. The fighters included a washed-up retired UFC champion, Ken Shamrock, and cromagnon beast known as Kimbo Slice whose bloodline can be traced to Grendel that built empire on YouTubed junkyard emergency room festivals.

Here's a compilation of Kimbo putting food on his table. (Fun fact: Kimbo's diet consists of human flesh, salmon, berries, wildebeasts, and the occasional baby stolen from dingoes.)

For the record TT Carnahan is terrified of both Shamrock and Kimbo.

After weigh-in the day before the fight, Ken Shamrock pulls out dramatically, and in John "I won't debate because the country needs me" McCain fashion, pulls out of the fight. Shamrock cites a cut he received in warm-ups. Now, to paraphrase Forrest, Forrest Gump, I'm not a smart man, but I know what bullshit is. Who goes at it so hard during warm-ups that he would be incapacitiated the day before a fight? People that have been paid off by Dana White that's who.

The plot thickens on fight night when a replacement is found for Shamrock in the form of Seth Petruzelli. This stugats shows up with bright pink patches in his hair resembling a Dr. Seuss fruit more than a karate master. This guy knocks out Kimbo so fast, TT didn't have time to figure out how to operate the recliner he was sitting in.

Remember, you heard it here first: Dana White and the UFC were not about to allow Elite XC to challenge their MMA hegemony with a successful fight. Dana pays off both fighters, Shamrock to disgracefully pull out, and Kimbo to take a dive. How can I prove it? Give it a couple of months and see if Kimbo either shows up in the UFC, or starts buying more Bentley's than usual? (How many Bentley's is usual?)

TT Carnahan's good friend, known here as the Hayastani Hercules, is well positioned to comment on the matter as he knows a guy who knows a guy who trained Kimbo. He is not nearly as certain as TT Carnahan as to the sub rosa deal that I've described. His skepticism is partially drawn from his generally optimistic and pleasant outlook on life, but mostly because he simply isn't that bright. Fortunately, the Hayastani Hercules doesn't know that that is his name and may not be able to identify himself. On the other hand, he is one of the six people that reads this blog, so TT Carnahan may have his foot torn off in some impossible pretzel lock by morning.

Either way, dirty fighting is more entertaining then clean fighting (just ask the Taliban), and The Long Warrior now officially subscribes to and propagates conspiracy theories. Stay tuned for coverage of how the US Army is covertly altering the milk of Afghan goat populations with heavy sedatives so that would be mujahideen would rather watch a movie then blow up a girls' elementary school.

1 comment:

Herschel said...

Seven. I read this blog.

Herschel Smith